Baby, Baby, Baby (Feb 23rd: 3 Days Late)
I still haven’t done a pregnancy test. I also haven’t alerted Bear as to the situation either. Why? Because he has been a knob the past few days. We’re still in the medication-figuring-out phase of life, which makes the timing of all this just fucking brilliant. But there lies the problem; the timing is never right. It will never be right. I’m waiting for this perfect moment that may or may not exist. A “Let’s have a baby!” moment that you’re meant to have with your significant other. Well, I guess we kinda had that moment, in a roundabout sorta way. That’s why I’ve not been on the pill for a while, and why we haven’t been so worried about pulling out, right before the crucial moment.
And now we’re fucking here. HERE. 3 days late. My period is 3 days late and I think I had implantation bleeding, just over a week ago.
Join me in the chorus, will you:
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
C’mon, you must know how this goes by now.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Stop it, NSSITC. It’s 3 days late. Your period is just 3 days late. That’s nothing. You’ve been later than this before. You’ve taken more negative pregnancy tests that were closely followed by the appearance of an actual period in the last fifteen years than most women have in a lifetime. You’re just a drama queen. Shut up.
Oh, but let’s just talk about it for a moment, shall we? Can we? A baby? Really? I could be pregnant. I might be. I actually might be. I mean, let’s think about this logically for just a moment. I’m not taking contraception, we had sex around the time of ovulation, otherwise known as the most fertile time of the month, and I had spotting during the time that implantation bleeding could have happened. And now, after a solid four-month stint of regular-as-fuck 30-day cycles, my period is 3 days late. In fact, if you really want to get specific about this, my cycles go a little like this:
23, 29, 30, 28, 30, 30, 30, 30, 33 days (and countin’)
Could this be fucking it???
We were kinda planning for this. We said that we would leave it to fate, and we’ve probably been leaving it to fate for about a year. Maybe more? And fate decided that the time wasn’t right back then. Maybe the time is right now?
Lemme tell ya — for a girl who hasn’t even peed on a stick yet, I am FOR REAL freaking the fuck out.
If I’m pregnant, I’ll need to give birth. That looks really painful. I’m not so good with pain, and my pain tolerance has definitely gone down. Way down. I can barely sit for an hour-long tattoo now without numbing cream, whereas I had 2/3/4/5/6-hour sittings in my twenties.
If I’m pregnant, I’ll have a baby. Like, a real one. My own, not one that I can give back to its worn-out parents after just a couple of hours. One that I’m going to be utterly responsible for. One that I’m going to need to take care of. Real care, putting its care before my own. Christ. I’m not qualified for this shit. What have we done?
Bear and I had the baby name chat a while back. It’s going to be Iris Frances for a girl, I think. I can’t actually remember the boy name we picked out, which may or may not show my gender-preference. Is that even allowed? Oh no, wait, I remember it now: Gray Francis. I actually deleted this entire paragraph before undoing the action. What if someone managed to find me using my kid’s name in the future? Lol, fictional kid’s name, NSSITC. Get a fucking grip on yourself.
I can be such a moron.
Fuck it; if I’m pregnant, I’ll come back and delete the names, protecting the future identity of my entirely fictional baby.
P.S. I’m totally using Bear’s grumpy attitude right now as an excuse not to say anything just yet.
Firstly: my hopes are already far too high. There’s no point in us both being sorely disappointed if I just end up being a few days late. It happens.
Secondly: I’m so scared right now. Shitting my fucking pants scared. Oh shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
I’m freaking out far too much for someone who’s just three days late. Who wants to come over here and just give me a little slap?
Part 1: Baby, Baby, Baby (Six Months Ago)
Part 2: Baby, Baby, Baby (Four Months Ago)
Part 3: Baby, Baby, Baby (One Month Ago)
Part 4: Baby, Baby, Baby (Feb 10th)
